Someone recently asked me, "Have you changed?"  I was rather surprised to be asked this at a professional meeting by someone who has seen me only twice before.  Is it that obvious?  I'm still Ruth Barron.  My husband, Joshua, and I still work as missionaries in Kenya.  We still help the churches learn to teach well using their own stories rather than lectures.  I'm still a wife, mother (five kids now, not three), homemaker, homeschooler, but yes I have changed.  As I thought about what to write about myself, I realized that I want you to see the transformation, the before and after shots.

Before:

I was tired all the time.  I felt as though I was dragging an anchor behind me as I worked.  I spent all my energy trying to fight myself to make myself do what I "ought to do."  I couldn't play.  Guilt and pleasure were tangled up in me, so I felt guilty about doing the things I enjoyed.  I knew more about what I didn't like than what I liked.

I was full of fear, and I couldn't rejoice.  Do you know how many times the Bible forbids the one and commands the other?  I was a failure on both counts.  I knew I was a bad Christian and assured God I would be a rotten missionary because I also got angry too easily.  I couldn't enjoy myself, my marriage, or my children.

I was afraid of people.  I was surprised when people were friends with me.  It must have been because they didn't really know me.  I didn't reveal myself to people.  I wanted to be a writer, but to do so would reveal who you are.  Never ever do that.  You could be wrong.  I expected condemnation.

I was afraid of God.  I served Him.  I tried to please Him.  I knew I was failing.  I couldn't stop trying to give Him more and to do more for Him.  I was a slave.  When I tried to tell people they should follow God too, they thought it sounded too hard.

I knew, being a woman, that I was second class to God.  He shouldn't share things with me, and even if He insisted upon doing so, I should remind Him to go tell a man.  I knew I shouldn't write about it.  It would be arrogant of me.

After:

I have energy.  I no longer feel as though I'm pulling an anchor behind me.  In fact, if I don't want to do something I feel I ought to do, I put it aside to rest and play.  Then I come back and do it in half the time.   Now, I thoroughly enjoy what I enjoy.  And I like so many things now.

My confidence has grown such that I no longer cower before fear.  I can REJOICE!  I don't get angry easily, and I am able to let go of anger!  I love who I am.  I love being married to Joshua.  Parenting and homeschooling and being with my children is amazing.

I'm not afraid of people.  I expect and enjoy friendship.  I enjoy myself, so why wouldn't they?  I reveal myself.  I'm writing like a volcano erupting.  I don't worry about being wrong.  I am very good.  That's who I am.  Having a wrong idea can't change who I am.  A wrong idea is where I am, and I can move.  The journey is fun.  I expect understanding and kindness.

I love God.  I can rest in His presence.  I know He is pleased with me just because I'm His daughter.  I don't have to earn His pleasure.  I give to Him when it's from my heart.  I  do much less for Him, but what I do is so much more effective.  I'm His Daughter.  When I talk to people about God, they say I make it sound easy.

I am writing this blog.